Future notes she knew.


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She ran her fingers across the lid of the box feeling the edges. She wondered how this gift had arrived. She wasn’t expecting a gift.  It was a late January afternoon and the clouds were closing in on another cool day. The trees blew ever so slightly in the breeze.  Miranda was a twentyish something blonde with bright red lips. She had pale ivory skin and bright pink nails.  She sat the box in the middle of her dining room table. It was wrapped in bright yellow paper with a bright red bow. There was no tag or writing, just an empty white card attached at the top.  She grabbed a pair of scissors from a kitchen drawer filled with buttons and trinkets.  She made a single cut at the top of the bow. It fell apart cascading all around the box until it all hit the table.  She ran her fingers through the bow.  It felt soft and velvety.  She picked up the long untied bow and wrapped it around her shoulders as if it were a scarf. Against her bright yellow sun dress she thought she looked like the box. It fell off of her shoulders. She went back to the package. She grabbed her scissors and started making a single cut down the front of the box. The scratching of the scissors filled the air. She took her left hand and just ripped the paper right in half sending a piece across the table. There laid a wooden box. It was a rich dark mahogany box with a brass handle. Against the handle on a white string fell a small silver key. The key glistened in the light. It had the initials ME inscribed in cursive. She picked up the key and tore it from the handle.  On top of the box was a small round key hole. Above it was inscribed “Know” in the same cursive lettering. She put the key into the box and turned it clockwise once until she heard a click. The box opened slightly. She put her hand on the brass handle and pulled up. The box popped open revealing a white envelope. She grabbed the envelope then her scissors cutting along the edge. She stopped. She looked at the box again and then at the envelope. She ran her hand on top of the box again feeling the indentation of the letters…She began to open the envelope. She then heard a knock on her door. She set the envelope down and went to the door.  The envelope laid next to the scissors then blew off the table from a fan across the room. The envelope fell on the floor and out came a photo. It was a picture of Miranda in her bright yellow sun dress with a red bow. Miranda never came back to the table. Miranda did not live past the envelope hitting the floor.

The Life I can never Appreciate


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Ever since I can remember I have had this anxiety about the direction and meaning of my life and I’ve never understood why it was on my mind so much.  I never understood why there was so much fear and why I couldn’t cope with just the everyday business of “everyday”, but remembering what your life is and what you are can seem endless.  There are people making it happen each and everyday with a lot less than I.  I guess because of the life I have had, which has been an amazingly great one-  The directions my childhood could have gone are much worse than I care to think of.  I can’t decide what the importance really is.   Why do we move forward and to what point are we satisfied and if we are never satisfied does that make our life much less meaningful?  When I was a kid I could just take all my ambition and put it into dreams, because dreams felt safe and wonderful.  There was never anything that could destroy those thoughts and I made myself believe that I could be ok just thinking about how great everything would be, but now that I’m not a kid anymore there is a since of loss.  I lost the ability to dream and that scares me because now I’m weighted down by ideas of obligation and security.  I have to fight for myself to live a secure life that can benefit me when I’m much older.  I want to be able to retire and focus on not worrying so much about whether or not everything will be ok.  I feel out of focus because my drive is no longer about what might be, but more about how to not let everything fall apart.  I work harder than I have ever, but I’m not sure what that means. I don’t know if there will be opportunities for me in the future and I don’t know where I’m going to end up.  Usually people have a feeling of what they want and it can be simple- You went to law school. You became a lawyer. You are a partner at a law firm.  You own your  law firm. Does that equal dream realized?  I don’t have a set plan like that. I vaguely have an idea of what to do next and most of my time is spent just staying in place.  I have always tried not to concern myself with bills, schedules, and worry – but lately all I do is worry.  I fear if I get sick if I can still go at a 100%.  I fear that being further away from my parents causes me to lose my identity.  I fear that if something goes wrong that I can cope with it.  I think that I put a lot of the stress on myself and I really don’t know why.  I don’t have anything to worry about because life moves forward and it will no matter if I’m part of it or not.  I’m making it and I’m realizing some small goals for myself.  I guess I just don’t understand the term “happiness”.  Life feels so fragile, yet people treat it like its some kind of chore.  Does happiness come from anything?  Does it matter if you feel ok or does it have to be something?  Does shaping our world mean blocking out the negative and living in the positive?  I don’t know. I know so many people doing so many great things, but I have no clue how they do it. I can barely get myself together and ready for the day.  I hope when I’m an old man sitting at a table by myself that I won’t feel regret.  I hope that I feel calm and at peace with what became of my life.  Right now I have no idea how the big picture turns out. Do I want the suburban life? Do I enjoy the hustle of a full time all consuming job? Do I want to be creative or just focused?  Does any of it matter in the end?  Does fear just always follow you?  I remember a time when the dreams didn’t feel so complicated because they felt so real. 

Bread Pudding and Sugar High.


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love_by_ViletStrangt

He stares into her eyes.

She tries to look away.

He moves closer.

She bites her bottom lip.

Her hair falls around her face.

She is stunning.

He says…”I love you.”

She says…”I don’t.”

He grasps her arm.

She pulls away.

She whispers in his ear.

“I want you.”

He moves against her skin.

“I need you.”

She smiles closing her eyes.

He lifts her arms into the sky.

She laughs.

He loves that sound.

She knows.

“Need you.”

He pulls her close.

She pulls him close.

Embrace.

Embrace.

Embrace.