I once wished that there would be a time when I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.  For what has felt like a lifetime of ups and downs it is only now in this time where life seems to be taking shape.  It is once again the end of yet another semester of courses and long days and nights.  I had hoped that for everyday that passes and for every second that moves forward that I could feel a little bit better about the so called "Future".  Is it me or does life sort of make no sense at all- just a rapid spit fire of meeting people, finding things that feed are internal joy, and pondering the greater questions of existence and life.   Its almost as mundane as it is joyful.   It is as organized as it is random.  I really did one day wake up to view a world that had passed me by...both intellectually and spiritually.  I dream bigger than could ever be possible for any one person, but at the same time I try to make sense of it all…well, I try to be grounded in reality.  Feeling scared is a natural part of life, but I'm more worried about the things that I cannot see.  What has life meant so far?  I wish I could look back at everything and feel more like a person with a sense of accomplishment.  “Success is never the goal, but some how it can be the result.” I read that on a poster one day.  I don’t know if its true.

 

Continuing with the idea of this 100s list. I now will present 11-20 of concept, people, and things that have influenced my life.

11) Friends: Surrounding yourself with people that think like you and feel like you is a freeing feeling.

Friendship is a beautiful thing because true human connection is the very variable to which the human condition is centered around. I love my friends because each seem to represent something different in me. They also push for me to win my battles and are there when I cant. It is true that no man can truly be an island.You need people to bring laughter and hope into your life. That's why its so important. I really believe in the power of people- That's why I believe in my friends.

12) Music: A Pop allegory with a beat and killer hook.

To say that my music taste is eclectic is an understatement. There is so much about music that I love. Artist with a passion and talent carrying soulful tunes through the waves.  I love a beat with a strong hook and sadly have fallen for pop junk way too often, but anything that carries a good sound is definitely on my play list. I guess I spend about 4 hours a day on average listening- But don’t ask me the words to any song.

13) Chocolate chip mint ice-cream: A wonderful emerald colored confection of mint and chocolate.

I don't know how chocolate chip mint ice-cream influences, but it does. I think that some of my most fondest memories was eating ice-cream. Its almost the only food I can think that has given me so much joy in life and how wonderful is that. I have always loved the taste of really good food and when your feeling down, only this minty goodness can perk you right up. I guess if coffee influences me so can mint chip ice-cream-yum, where's a spoon?

14) Journals: A hint of your life captured in a few words.

Secretly I have always kept a journal.  I think for the last five years or so I have written everything in it.  Mostly Its how I feel or what event has shaken me to the core.  Writing lets me really focus my heart and mind.  How I feel about something really only makes sense once I’ve written it out.

15) Stanley Kubrick: Filmmaking marvel and a profound creator.

Have you ever seen a Stanley Kubrick movie? If the answer to that question is no, then you are missing out on one of histories greatest visionaries in the film medium. His voice and passion was unparallel to any filmmaker of his time. I remember first watching A Clockwork Orange- and from the very first frame was completely mesmerized. Its his ability to tell a story with such gritty naturalistic bombastic force that has given his art such impact. Its the unnerving terror felt in The Shining and the brilliance of his conjured nightmares for Full Metal Jacket that has put him on this list. 2001: a space odyssey is a ridiculously underrated work of science-fiction noir and his power to provoke a response from his audience hasn't been matched, only copied.

16) Black Shoes: A man with a good pair of shoes is no man at all.

I like shoes that are reliable and have a strong fashion focus. Its funny really how much shoes have affected how I feel about myself. One of the first things people notice about a man is his shoes. Apparently a book came out that categorized men by what type of shoes they wore. Is it true? Can my shoes say everything about my personality? Maybe. I don't know, but what I do know is that a pair of shiny black shoes with a hip look is all I ever want to wear.

17) Batman: The dark knight lives as a symbol of a hero and a torn identity.

I've never read the Batman comics or really watched the campy series, animated series, or movies- But there is something greater that I get from Batman. When I was around 11, I came up with the idea of a series that dealt with the cape crusader as more of a man torn between the identity of a hero and his familiarity with the complex lives that we all live. His arsenal of gadgets, the rockin car, and of course the bat cave were all in my concept- But there was also the intrapersonal dynamics of his life (Robin, Batgirl, Alfred) and his love (Catwoman). I spent years coming up with the idea and writing each episode until I came up with 161. Then I just stopped, because somewhere along the line I noticed that every hero needs myth as part of his arsenal.

18) Water: A metaphor for the essence of a flourishing thought.

So many things on this list have shaped me in one way or another. Its interesting though to think of water this way. I love the rain, I could listen to it for hours and its so peaceful and calming. I love the ocean because the waves have always crashed so dramatically as if a symphony is playing right before your eyes. Its also water that I've been around when challenging contemplative thoughts in my head- as I sat on benches and looked out to see endless oceans or calming lakes I never felt more at peace. Water is cleansing and pure and its good for you. it has influence.

19) Hope: A feeling of ambitious ingenuity in ones own heart.

For me hope keeps my dreams alive. I constantly hope for things, but I know that one must always take an active part in their life in order for things to get done. I believe in prayer, because it gives you the chance to feel very passionate and strong for people and causes on this earth. I hope for a world that is better and for myself to constantly live up to the challenges put in front of me. Its also prayer that helps me up when I stumble into depressive states of being. I'm not that interested in hope without action, though- because I have always believed that one charts his own destiny.

20) Photography: In an instant the image is captured and the feelings begin.

A photograph says so much and I love the way that a picture can speak to you. I respect whatever I take a picture of....Its in a moment in time frozen where the meaning can later take shape. Everything can be art with a photographers eye. I haven't been doing photography for long, but pictures move me because they seem to speak volumes about their subject. Its hard to look at photo and not wonder about why it was even taken? What provoked the artist to capture that image forever stored in its own time? I love how a good picture can make amazing conversation for hours.

The first twenty parts of this 100s list is now finished and I find myself wondering how each of these things fit into my life and how important each one really is to me. So far the list has been easy, but I know that later down the line that it will get harder to decipher all the things that have influenced me in my life. It feels ambitious, because some are so easy to point out, but when I think of them- I can think of twenty more to go with that. This is what makes me who I am....I guess.

 

These are the things in my life that have had meaning and importance no matter how unimportant they may seem.  In a few weeks I will reach a 100...and then look at the list as a whole.  Because ingenuity in art breeds self-awareness.  Things are not in any real order, just thinking about them one by one.

1) My Mother: She is strong willed. beautiful. Important. Unexpected.

Ah, yes a mother. There is no love like a mothers love in this life...its her steady hand and thoughtful caring that gives youth a chance to flourish. It is sometimes easy to forget that mothers are human and fault like many people do. I love my mother with all my heart and it is this notion where one begins to understand their beginnings and how it ultimately affects a future. I'm also lucky that my mom loves me more than the world itself.

2) United States of America: Freedom of a democracy leads to interesting ideals of the human spirit.

So the red, white, and blue mantra of freedom through ones own personal choices is a grand gesture. When I was first brought to this country I came from an extremely impoverished state where pain and suffering was around every corner. I now look at the U.S. as a type of allegoric symbol of hope and humanity. People have that power to make choices that can only be provided by democracy. I would not be the man that I am today without the ability to live in a country that allows me to thrive when I put forth the work and effort. Mexico is my homeland, but it is not what lives in my heart.

3) Spirituality: God as an ideal.

I am a very spiritual man, who loves and cares for others with the dignity that they deserve. I believe in being a good person ruled by morality and maybe not always religion. I don’t know a lot about church, actually people who practice it with an open heart- I find to be some of the most caring in this world. I have always believed in what it means to respect- Everything in life deserves respect, which in turn gives one hope and spirit. I do believe in God- I believe that these morals that I carry are because of him and prayer is an important part of understanding the battles in this life. I don't however believe that I must go to church every week, because understanding the message is more about the equality of mind and heart- rather than "I can do whatever I wish as long as I repent" - The power to make choice is the greatest knowledge one should carry. Love. God. Respect. Faith. Truth. Believe.

4) Film: Through visuals, art is born to achieve the imaginative success.

I love Film. To me films are a lush and grand gestures of art and storytelling like no other. On this list there will be individual people and movies that have set unparallel ideas in my mind about what a great filmmaking is and could be. As a genre, Movies have that power to transform your thoughts and take you on journeys that are incredible- at the same time there are good and bad pictures to debate over and the success of the medium is what every single person gets from it. "Life as a moving image"

5) TV Guide: The On-line magazine for a pop-culture phenomenon.

Okay, so you may wonder how TV guide has influenced me. Its simple actually: I've always been interested in what educated individuals think abut the entertainment business and how things in a pop matters obsessed world come to be. Critics if you will: We are all a critic of something in our lives. I like to read the guide, because for one I've been doing it for about 10 years and two one can never get too much water cooler conversation the next day.

6) Family: Love.

I love my Family. Its a simple statement because not out of necessity do they have to be there, but more importantly because they care enough to know you. Family is a different word for everybody, but for me its the knowledge of having people who want to see you succeed in your life. The bond of the human experience is in a Family, its a beautiful idea because no person can fight through this world alone.

7) Starbucks: The love of a frappuccino  from a world-wide conglomerate.

For me there is nothing better than a flavorful cup of coffee. Its the bases of a little pleasure in life. I love it all pretty much:  There is a major plus if it has whipped cream and a shot of espresso and a delightful aroma of a freshly brewed confection...Its almost like heaven. I could drink flavored cappuccinos until I was so wired I could dance for 8 hours straight. Yes, paying 5.00 for a tall skim-milk vanilla mocha frapp. With two shots of espresso and topped with light cream is slightly drastic... but its also pleasure in a glass.   What's not to love?

8) Collard button down dress shirt: Affordable luxury with a classic look.

Does the look make the man? I'm not sure, but I know that wearing a fitted Kenneth Cole button down is a look that I love. Its masculine without being too forward Its that understated look that’s sharp in a suit.... But, when worn with jeans is classically cool. There is much to be said for elegance.

9) Salvador Dali: Artistic visionary of imaginative heights.

The word artist isn't enough to write about this man, visionary is. Looking at a Dali painting is almost like a metaphorical journey through the expansive idea-logicality of the minds pension for meaning and life. They are beautiful, not because of picture, but more because of a feeling. There is thought and feeling in his work. Something that show expression without pandering to logical incentives such as a metaphorical je ne sais quoi.  Its a powerful feeling looking at his work and knowing that it speaks to you, without saying a word.

10) TV: The black box with an agenda.

So to me Television is a medium where entertainment crosses with high end business deals and good stories. Most of us crave good TV, because of its addictive nature and more importantly its subversive world.  I really love the rush of a good story line and caring for a character week after week is increasingly a difficult task. It was one of the first devices to connect people and to help spread ideas. All this and now they can hang on your wall too!

 

Okay. So this is the first ten on the list of influences in my life: sure there are frivolous items mixed in with meaningful people, but isn't that what life is about? Life is everything you do and care about its astonishing really, how it all formulates and melts into each other. Because these things make you who you are. The list will continue later... I encourage everybody to make a list like this, because it can be more revealing than you think.  Only 90 more to go!

I don’t know how I feel about the rainstorm outside my window.  The rain falls against the glass, streaming down the panes slowly.  There is no sound, there is no light.  I think about the clouds, they are dark and distant.  I look out the window against the darkness, against the grey skies.  I wonder if I can walk outside again.  I wonder why the room is so dark.  My hand moves across the wall and it feels rough the paint having peeled off.  I smell a sourness the air is thick and it hurts my lungs to breath.   I see a door on the other side of the room. I want to open it, but I’m afraid.  The doorknob is gold. The door is white. The room is red. There is no light. I wonder why I can’t go outside.  I look outside and see the rain falling harder. I’m afraid to open the door, but there is no air in this room.  I open the door. I walk outside.  I no longer feel afraid. I see the light. I see white. I see grey. I can’t hear the rain, I can’t smell the rain.  The air is still thick. I’m not sure where I am. The voices are distant.

-Wake Up