Ever since I can remember I have had this anxiety about
the direction and meaning of my life and I’ve never understood why it was on my
mind so much. I never understood why there was so much fear and why I couldn’t
cope with just the everyday business of “everyday”, but remembering what your
life is and what you are can seem endless. There are people making it happen
each and everyday with a lot less than I. I guess because of the life I have
had, which has been an amazingly great one- The directions my childhood could
have gone are much worse than I care to think of. I can’t decide what the
importance really is. Why do we move forward and to what point are we
satisfied and if we are never satisfied does that make our life much less
meaningful? When I was a kid I could just take all my ambition and put it into
dreams, because dreams felt safe and wonderful. There was never anything that
could destroy those thoughts and I made myself believe that I could be ok just
thinking about how great everything would be, but now that I’m not a kid anymore
there is a since of loss. I lost the ability to dream and that scares me
because now I’m weighted down by ideas of obligation and security. I have to
fight for myself to live a secure life that can benefit me when I’m much older.
I want to be able to retire and focus on not worrying so much about whether or
not everything will be ok. I feel out of focus because my drive is no longer
about what might be, but more about how to not let everything fall apart. I
work harder than I have ever, but I’m not sure what that means. I don’t know if
there will be opportunities for me in the future and I don’t know where I’m
going to end up. Usually people have a feeling of what they want and it can be
simple- You went to law school. You became a lawyer. You are a partner at a law
firm. You own your law firm. Does that equal dream realized? I don’t have a
set plan like that. I vaguely have an idea of what to do next and most of my
time is spent just staying in place. I have always tried not to concern myself
with bills, schedules, and worry – but lately all I do is worry. I fear if I
get sick if I can still go at a 100%. I fear that being further away from my
parents causes me to lose my identity. I fear that if something goes wrong that
I can cope with it. I think that I put a lot of the stress on myself and I
really don’t know why. I don’t have anything to worry about because life moves
forward and it will no matter if I’m part of it or not. I’m making it and I’m
realizing some small goals for myself. I guess I just don’t understand the term
“happiness”. Life feels so fragile, yet people treat it like its some kind of
chore. Does happiness come from anything? Does it matter if you feel ok or
does it have to be something? Does shaping our world mean blocking out the
negative and living in the positive? I don’t know. I know so many people doing
so many great things, but I have no clue how they do it. I can barely get myself
together and ready for the day. I hope when I’m an old man sitting at a table
by myself that I won’t feel regret. I hope that I feel calm and at peace with
what became of my life. Right now I have no idea how the big picture turns out.
Do I want the suburban life? Do I enjoy the hustle of a full time all consuming
job? Do I want to be creative or just focused? Does any of it matter in the
end? Does fear just always follow you? I remember a time when the dreams
didn’t feel so complicated because they felt so real.
